The Devil in the Dishwasher

I AM neither adept enough at correlation nor knowledgeable enough about probability to calculate the exact relationship or rate that appliances will go kaput, just at the time you could do with it the least.

But, it is certainly my perception that there are gremlins lurking in all of my ‘white goods’ and electronic gizmos and they appear to act with devilment and take tremendous pleasure in causing chaos at the most inopportune times.

I’m afraid you have happened upon my column when I’m in a grrrr, harrumph, ‘Oh for Goodness sake!’ kind of place. I’m also sounding a tad paranoid to personalise the inanimate objects that lurk in corners of my kitchen and utility room but seriously, sometimes, I do wonder.....

In the last few years, another washing machine croaked two days before Christmas, my dishwasher died a week and a half before Christmas just gone, three radiators also went on the blink at this time and last night, the washing machine decided to rebel with a full load of washing in it.

I have two children and that machine is on every day. Every day my son needs a full new school uniform.

I have done an analysis on the smudges and smears on my son’s white school shirts and after cross-referencing with the school dinner menu over time, I cannot work out what he is eating that produces the same orange smears that seem near impossible to remove, day in day out.

Added to this are the trouser marks, they’re a more obvious green for grass and grey/brown for mud. I can only assume that each day he takes a moment, channels his inner Gareth Bale and skids across the ground in celebration of a goal or maybe because a teacher did a dab or possibly in honour of it being Tuesday. Who knows?

A pair of trousers came home last week with a big hole in and I attempted to darn. Darn, you read that right.

I don’t have a sewing kit but my daughter does. The conversation went thus: "Chick, please could I borrow your sewing kit?"

"Why?"

"To sew your brother’s trousers."

"What colour cotton?"

"Blue."

She paused for the longest time, frowning.

"Ok,...I s’pose."

However, what I should’ve asked her is if she would sew the hole as she is talented with all things craft and I am not.

The blue was the wrong blue and it looks messy and I would not expect him to wear them after my botch job and so I went on the John Lewis website and ordered more.

But they haven’t arrived yet and we’re running low on clean trousers. However, next week is dress as a Victorian day so at least he won’t need school trousers for that.

However he will need a costume. I don’t think I shall attempt sewing one, but we may have lots of grubby clothes by then so I guess we could all pretend to be chimney sweeps, me included.