THE December 9 meeting for the Dinas Powis Probus Club was the annual occasion for An Assemblage of Members Tales when members have the chance to address the club on absolutely nothing.

First up was Alan Smith, the club’s favourite grump. He opened with an account of his hunt for the perfect combined potato/apple peeler. Good on spuds, no good on apples. Why? After his collection of rejects had reached nine, he thought he had found what he was looking for in an antique shop in Devon. Having beaten the price down from £9 to £7, he was confident of success. It didn’t work.

Eventually, he found a decrepit one in a junk shop and after considerable work with a file, he can now peel spuds and apples with a single implement.

Next, his problem with vests, this goes back to his childhood when he wore liberty vests which had buttons along the bottom edge. What was their function, to hold up girls’ stockings?

Once old enough to make his own decisions regarding undergarments, he was always confident of putting on his vest properly; you simply found the label at the back and top and pulled it on. But suddenly, the label vanished, to reappear at bottom left.

Ok, he got used to that but it again disappeared, to be found now at bottom right. He now pulls on his vest without bothering if it’s on back-to–front or inside out, who is going to see it?

Having further complained about twisting telephone cables, under-sized washing-up bowls, ironing boards and motor-way signs, he finished by commentating on British Gas adverts which offer to carry out electrical repairs. Can they now put gas down wires he wonders? Warm applause from the floor.

Next up was Arthur Coxon (Royal Navy, retired.) “A Moment Alone With Royalty.” In 1968, he was seconded to become Squadron Commander of the Kenyan Navy. His first official function was to organise a trip in a patrol boat for Emperor Haile Selassie, the Lion of Ethiopia.

In passing, Arthur reminded the members that rumour had it that the Emperor could trace his blood-line back to an illicit meeting between the Queen of Sheba and King Solomon. The official party were all onboard at Mombasa when it was discovered the Emperor’s dog, a Chihuahua named Lula, had been left in the royal car, and as Haile would not go anywhere without Lula, everyone scrambled of the boat leaving Arthur alone with the Emperor.

He was directing him down to his cabin when he cracked his head on a low lintel. Arthur had visions of death by the burning spear, but fortunately he was not badly hurt. The courtiers returned with the dog, which was promptly trodden on by a seaman with size 16 boots.

Arthur remembered him with affection and found him to be a pleasant man with no sense of arrogance. Having spent the war in Britain, he was killed in 1975 during a Marxist up-rising and was buried under his Palace toilet as a mark of contempt. Again, warm applause.

The third speaker was Geoff Thomas and once again content was of a different nature from what had gone before. It concerned the decline in many aspects of our native tongue, and the efforts apparently being made by a totally fictitious pressure group named United Kingdom Restore English Party, named UKREEP for short. This was a group seeking to restore the purity of the language of Shakespeare.

The basis of the presentation was to show how the language has declined by presenting examples of what has become universally known as business speak. This is where for no particular reason, except perhaps to show off, words are changed or added to and phrases invented.

The examples were many and varied but as two of the most serious results it was suggested that the word “yes” would soon disappear to be swallowed up by “absolutely” and “now” would become “at this moment in time”. The speaker’s fear was that the jargon which started off as business speak would soon become gobbledegook and totally incomprehensible.

He produced a newspaper cutting which left the members agreeing with him that government must not only be done but must be understood to be done. Warm applause.

The vote of thanks was given by Ceri Jones who congratulated all the speakers on behalf of the members.